This is what you’ll probably get:
Dalmatian Theologians (your basic false teachers, who insist that the Bible is only inspired in spots and that they are inspired to spot the spots)
Kids, get out your scissors! The Bible has all sorts of parts that don’t belong plus some things that are missing.
The Book of John doesn’t belong there. We’ll replace it with the gospel of Thomas.
Then cut out the 100 passages that teach that Jesus is the only way to salvation. And all the parts of the Old Testament saying not to worship other gods. I’d look pretty stupid running around saying that all religions are valid paths to God if those were still in my holy book, wouldn’t I?
Now this won’t take long to read!
OK, kids, I want you to meet my husband. We’re going to hug and kiss in front of you, then I’ll read you some illustrated gay fiction, then we’ll study the Bible.
Lesson 1: When Leviticus 18:22 says, “‘Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable,” it really means, “Go ahead and lie with a man as man lies with a woman, because it is not detestable.”
Slippery Christians (Dalmatian Theologians part II)
The Bible is the word of God. Really, all of it is. Except the parts that aren’t. I’ll let you know which is which, because the Holy Spirit inspired me to know the difference — even though He couldn’t inspire the original writers properly.
Teacher: There is no truth, including the Bible.
Kids: Is that statement true? And isn’t truth just what is real?
Teacher: No, kids. It only seems that way. When you get older and go to college and seminary then you get to say things that 1st graders know are stupid, and you get to release endorphins afterwards because of your smug satisfaction of thinking you are smarter than other people.
Pro-abortion Christians (must . . . resist . . . urge . . . to use scare quotes)
Teacher: Hey kids, life doesn’t begin at conception. Just ignore those pesky embryology textbooks. God thinks abortion is just another choice. And He gave you free will, right? Abortion is just an exercise of that free will.
Feel free to add your own!
Of course, you could get people on the other extreme as well with graceless Christianity.
Seriously, I am all for Bible reading and I know that the schools that do teach it are supposed to use it as part of history and not to advance a religion. I do trust that God’s word is powerful and can achieve its purpose even when people use it improperly.
But I don’t trust that public schools would teach it properly. There are many denominations and even many churches within my own denomination that I wouldn’t send my dogs to, let alone my kids. I don’t want to see the Bible mocked.
What do you think? Are you aware of programs where it has been consistently and properly taught about its content and place in history? How do you ensure it isn’t abused?